consistency works like magic for parenting

If there is one word that is consistently heard about parenting, it is the need for consistency: consistency in what you say and do, and consistency between parents.

Indeed, if you fail I this, you give ample opportunity to your children to manipulate you and play one parent off another. But how on earth do you achieve that? And what if the other parent has no interest in improving his/her parenting style?

Maybe these pointers will help:

First off, the key to both staying calm and maintaining consistency is to have a plan. Decide IN ADVANCE how you plan to deal with particular situations.

Once you have a plan, you will be able to calmly do what you had pre-planned.

Otherwise you will act out of habit, which can be quite detrimental to the purpose and the child. For example, you will lose your temper on one occasion and react differently the next time in a similar situation. This sends confusing signals to the child who doesn’t know what exactly to do.

You need to be clear about what is important and what is not. Then focus your attention on battles that are worth fighting and ignore the others. Remember, you cannot enforce rules on everything; you need to allow some freedom to the child especially if it doesn’t reflect poorly on the behavior.

For example - putting their feet on the sofa. Allowed, or not allowed? It is your choice - but whichever way you decide, stick with it. Don’t tell them to get their feet off one day, and then allow it the next.

Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can’t expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.

The really difficult part about implementing a plan is getting your partner to participate in it.

No easy answers, of course, since this goes to the core of your relationship as a couple. Are you able to discuss the children calmly and rationally, or are they pawns in some kind of power struggle between you?

You don’t even have to agree on everything - as long as you agree to disagree. But even when you disagree, you DO have to back each other up in front of the children. If your partner has said NO you must say NO too; and then discuss it between you privately. If you say NO, you would hope that (s)he would also back you up.

If you fail to do that, the kids will simply go from one parent to the other and get what they want.

The bottom line is to be consistent yourself so that you can discuss your rules and expectations with your partner and come up with a coherent plan. Most parents find a parent book very helpful in this respect. For one, it is written by people who know and secondly, it offers an unbiased objective opinion which is easy to accept by both parents.

Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.

In such a scenario, it is best to be true to yourself. By virtue of the same rule, give freedom to your partner to do the same.

This may result in some very different parenting styles - one being permissive the other being authoritarian. The children are not stupid. They will quickly work this out, and will know what they can get away with and with whom.

There are ways to overcome this situation if you do some introspection and try to understand the other’s point of view. Rather than let the children acquire wrong attitudes, it is better to put yourself in the other’s shoes. And, as they say, if it hurts, it must be hurting the other too. So, start by working on yourself, and you will see how fast the other changes too.

Ultimately it can get so bad that one parent completely destroys any authority or credibility that the other parent might have. If that is happening to you, it is time for some serious thinking (and decisive action) about what is happening in your relationship and what you are going to do about it. If you don’t then your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually loose all respect for yourself too.

The trouble is that people become complacent in their familiar grooves. Habits are hard to break. But, for the sake of your children you need to work on yourself, if you want something to change. Change yourself; it’s easier than changing the other.

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