Tantrums! How To Avoid The Toddler Terrible Two
January 30, 2008
2 year olds. Don’t you just love ‘em? Especially when they are rolling around the floor having a good old tantrum. So, are there any tips for making the terrible twos a little less terrible?
To begin with, don’t be taken in by their tiny size and innocent looks. They may not know many things, but there’s one talent they are born with. They know exactly how to manipulate you to get what they want! And, they will go to any extent to get it - throwing a tantrum is the easiest of them all.
So, how do you deal with them? By using exactly the same principles as you would with an older child:
A. First, be very clear about what behaviors you will accept and what you won’t. Avoid the non-essentials and focus on the important issues.
B. Secondly, avoid ambiguity. Give clear instructions in plain words. Don’t insinuate or taunt. Your child will most likely not understand what you mean. Make your point and leave it at that; don’t rub it in.
C. If you have spelt out the consequences of not complying with your instruction, carry it out otherwise the meaning of your words will be lost.
D. I don’t mean that you have to punish them but you can use the ‘manners chair’ technique to give an idea what punishment is like. Here is how it works:
First get a small child’s chair and put it in a corner somewhere, facing into the room. If they fail to do as they are told (after you have said what you mean and meant what you said - my book will help you with that) then you send them to the chair with words to the effect of: “Oh dear, you seem to have lost your good manners again. You had better go and sit in the chair until you find them again.”
When the child obeys you and does what you have said, it is evidence enough that he has found his manners. Get busy doing your chores and don’t pay attention to his whining. This will serve a double purpose. You can spend the time catching up with work and he will learn something new.
It is important to keep this little exercise lighthearted lest it weighs heavy on the child’s mind. Try finding their manners for them, for instance. Look for them everywhere and make it into a game. This will prevent any further tantrums and help develop a more positive attitude. It’s good for your nerves too.
Once they have found their manners, you can then tell them to do what they were originally supposed to do, or perhaps they need to apologize (eg to their sister for thumping her!).
If he reverts to bad behavior again, then it is important to let him revisit the incident. And, if he still refuses to apologize, then it’s clear he didn’t find his manners, and needs to go back to the manners chair and have another look.
There is a danger that this in itself can become too much of a game for them since they get a lot of attention from you when you are helping them to find their manners. You will need to strike the right balance between “time-out” ie ignoring them, and a bit of assistance (since they are young, and this is all new to them).
What is important is that you don’t get into yelling mode, and they don’t get away with inappropriate behavior. Keep it calm, keep it positive, keep showing that you still love them, but that the behavior is the problem - i.e. the child is not the problem, the problem is simply that she has lost her manners temporarily - once she has found them again, then all will be well again.
One of the most difficult situations parents face is when your child misbehaves in public. Here too, follow the same rule as everywhere else: say what you mean, and follow up with action.
So, how do you time out in public? Three options: 1. Sit them down in the aisle and do a kind of “manners chair” in which no one is going anywhere else until he has found his manners.
2. Take him out and do the ‘manners chair’ in the car. You can stay out and look away while he tries to find his manners. Don’t shout and scream and don’t lose patience. Above all, don’t get into a discussion till the manners have been found.
3. The last resort is to cancel the outing and go home to the manners chair.
You will only have to do this a few times before they get the message that you mean business in public just as you do at home. While doing all of this, remember to stay calm and in control. Getting into a lather about it all will just make things worse rather than better.
You will find all this and much more in my book. Here is the link - you can get started today.
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